Dancing is difficult. I will be the first to say that. I don’t just mean bump and grind on the dance floor, (which I haven’t done in oh, 5 years), I mean actual dancing. Like, closed dance position, sweaty hands plastered together – oh wait this isn’t high school. Y’now what’s even harder than that? Looking sexy while you do it. And y’now what’s even harder than that? Dancing for someone else, privately, and looking sexy while you do it.
Enter… me. In a white tank top and black lulus and a nametag that says Chanel. Yes, I was talked into a lap dance instruction class. It was one day for a couple of hours at a gym downtown – ladies only. There was a mirror all along the wall and a bunch of women strangers, and the best thing of all is that we all had our own chair – not to sit on, no no – to dance for. We were taught numerous ways of walking, scooting, bending, crouching, and er… well, those are all the movements you need to know of, during the 2 hours of instruction.
The instructor made sure we were all set and told us to “check our inhibitions at the door,” and my friend, wearing the name tag Coco or something like that, turns to me all “BLONDIE.” Uh, I think she was mistaken regarding my inhibitions. There were certainly more awkward and self conscious women in that room than the two of us. There were also some more *ahem* free spirited folks in the crowd as well. Keep in mind this was 2004 and all of these types of classes hadn’t even come out yet.
Oh, so sexing it up with the empty chair, in a room full of anonymous women wearing nametags like “Corvette” and “Coco” and “Jade” is one thing. But the real hard part comes once you step outside the room and think “Oh hey, I should do this for my boyfriend/husband/gender of preference here.” How does that work? Yeah, if they’re with you, I would think it fair to assume they find you ’sexy,’ in your own way. But how’s about when you are purring and trying to put on your “bedroom eyes” while also trying to keep your balance AND remember your steps?
Judging by the amount of “preparedness” we thought we had following the 2 hour crash course (that left us in pain the next day – and it’s true, it’s a great workout), I would suggest more of an extensive session if you’re planning on trying it at home.
- Blondie/Chanel
PS – and also, when you text your friend about it afterwards, using specific words like ‘LAP DANCE CLASS’ and such, please ensure that someone you barely know is not nearby reading your texts over your shoulder. She’ll appreciate it.
